event design for introverts – some reflections

last night at kizuna, we ran our second 'living room' – an unstructured, agenda-free, come-as-you-are monthly hangout for kizuna members.

the concept of this gathering is simple: a space where people in our collective can just be together without any agenda or facilitation from our side as the organizers (in contrast to our other events, which are relatively more structured).

but after wrapping up this one, some of us on the core team (a few of us identifying as introverted, including myself) felt like the space didn’t quite land as introvert-friendly as our events usually do.

upon reflection, i think a mixture of factors contributed to this:

• the space itself – we were in a small rental space (all we can afford right now lol), and the layout naturally split the group into two separate zones. the noise levels got high, which can be overwhelming for some.
• too many people for the space – at peak, we had nine people. sounds manageable, but in a small room, that translated to at least four simultaneous conversations happening at once. at one point i broke our ‘no facilitation’ rule and suggested we shuffle around so people could talk to different people, which we half-heartedly did – but it didn't really shift the dynamic. (side note: the fact that i felt compelled to do this maybe hints at something deeper: maybe a truly good unstructured space still needs a few light touch guardrails?)
• lack of structure = unpredictable dynamics – since we kept it completely unstructured, the shape of the evening was determined entirely by who showed up and how they interacted. this can be freeing, but it also has a hidden cost: without any facilitation, dominant voices naturally take the floor, by virtue of the way social gravity tends to work. introverts (or anyone who needs a little more space to enter a convo) can find themselves stuck on the sidelines, waiting for a natural opening that never quite comes.

so, that made me want to do a bit of an exploration here: what does it take to create good introvert-friendly gatherings? i found the below graphic, which feels quite true: most gatherings function like the graphic on the left:

so, how can we design more for the dynamic on the right? the following are some points that i'm thinking out loud around this, based on events i've both hosted and joined, and conversations with fellow introverts.

i’ll also try to apply each of these points to the above living room case study to see how we could improve it.

with that, here are 3 approaches i'm thinking about to create more introvert-friendly spaces:

1. offer places + activities to unwind

too much stimulation, wether crowds, noise, or chaotic social energy, can drain introverts quickly. introvert-friendly spaces need clear, accessible zones to decompress. cozy corners with soft lighting and comfy seating don't hurt for this (but to be fair, any event space could benefit from this!) and, as cozy spaces can benefit introverts, so to do activities that provide a natural buffer for conversation – like crafts or journaling.

2. don't shift gears too fast

introverts often value extra time to process transitional times during events. sudden shifts in focus can be jarring, while a five-minute heads-up gives people time to gather their thoughts and prepare.

3. cultivate shared norms that embrace differing energy levels and introversion levels

i observe that introverts often struggle in social settings because more extraverted people may not be attuned to their experience. there’s a kind of ‘social blindness’ at play – subtle cues from introverts, like shorter responses or closed-off body language, can go unnoticed, leaving them stuck in conversations they don’t feel comfortable in.

yet it the burden shouldn't always on the introvert to navigate their discomfort – we should create environments that are conducive to everyone taking responsibility for others having a good time. we need shared language and norms where the social contract includes checking in, stepping back, and making space when needed.

i think there are so many forms this can take in practice: shared norms can look like simple agreements like ‘leave room for pauses’ or ‘invite in quieter voices.’ it could look like nonverbal cues – a system of cards, gestures, or signals to communicate openness (or need for space) without awkwardness.

i’m inspired by the 'law of two feet' within facilitation methodology Open Space Technology, which says: if you’re not learning or contributing, use your two feet to move somewhere you can. it’s such a simple idea, but it shifts the social contract – granting everyone the freedom to navigate the space according to their needs.

wrapping up: structure as a gift to introverts?

what all of this makes me realize is that structure – far from being restrictive – can actually liberate introverts in social situations. it creates clear norms, softens social ambiguity, and offers gentle pathways into connection. without it, the loudest voices often fill the space by default, and those who flow on different social wavelengths are left on the edges.

this reflection leaves me wondering: can we expect our minimally structured living room events to truly be introvert-friendly? or is a space like this, by its very lack of structure, predestined to quietly favour the most socially confident in the room?

maybe the real experiment isn’t in removing structure, but in designing it more thoughtfully. soft, playful, and intentional structures that invite everyone, including introverts, to bring their whole selves into the room.